


Grunt and Sweetlips

by MsLanna



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: supposedly funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-25 00:39:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4939996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsLanna/pseuds/MsLanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the <a href="http://meficswap.tumblr.com/">Mass Effect Fic Swap</a> over at tumblr </p><p>Pick a type of fic below:<br/>I am indecisive, so here’s a few to choose from: Mordin lives, soaks in Shepard's jacuzzi; or<br/><b>Grunt anything; and "No, Shepard. You can't have a python on board the Normandy."; </b><br/>or places to have a quickie on the Normandy (2 characters of your choosing, 3 places they use - smut is at your discretion)<br/>Anything you absolutely do not want?(genres, characters, situations, etc.): I'm pretty flexible (I hope, I guess we'll find out)</p><p>I apologise (somewhat) for the horrible title pun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grunt and Sweetlips

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThreeWhiskeyLunch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeWhiskeyLunch/gifts).



“No, Shepard, you can't have a python on board the Normandy.” Miranda had her steel face on. She was serious about this.

“Why not?” Shepard insisted. “I have fish.”

“Your fish do not posses the ability to digest whole deer.”

“So what about if I got some piranhas?” Shepard challenged.

“They cannot get out of the tank and survive. This discussion is over, Shepard.” Miranda turned her attention back to her terminal. “If you insist on getting animals of prey, do restrict yourself to fish. That will be bad enough.”

Shepard stomped out of Miranda's quarters, though she was not sure if the other woman even noticed.

“They are not even eating humans,” Shepard complained not much in the main battery. “Deer, OK, but a deer won't punch them between they eyes if they try something funny.”

“You realise that there are not only humans on this ship?” Garrus asked. “As a dextro-amino acid based person, I am not worried for myself. I don't think I even fit its prey pattern.”

“The python might not know that,” she teased. “Might just swallow you whole and realise its error afterwards.”

“That is very encouraging, Shepard.”

“It is not I that paints them as uncontrollable monsters that can't be held as pets under any circumstances,” Shepard protested. “Well,” she added after a short pause.

“Maybe you can get Mordin into the idea,” Garrus said. “His species is closer related than mine.”

For a moment Shepard wondered if that was meant as an insult. But the idea of getting some kind of backup pushed those musings away fast. “Anyway, I'd make sure it didn't eat my crew.”

Shepard was too deep in though to hear Garrus' reply to that. And if Mordin was not interested, maybe a conversation with Thane would help. A python might mistake him for a big frog, but there was no doubt it would regret that error before the first bite.

Finding both not interested in having a big snake on the Normandy was a severe disappointment. Shepard was grumbling to herself, shooting the opposition on Horizon more viciously than usual. Stupid Collectors. Stupid crew. Stupid everything.

And then Harbinger. What the fuck did he think he was doing? Possessing his people like that? Creepy to say the least. And not even effective. Those creatures died like all others. “I bet I could train my python to help,” she grumbled between shots.

“What's a python?” Grunt had taken cover beside her.

“A snake.” She shot another Collector before diving back behind the wall. “Fucking huge snake, amazing. And Miranda says I can't have one.”

“Miranda didn't want you to release me, either,” Grunt replied casting a look over the low wall. He got up and mimicked a human smile which had a quite different effect on a face like his. Then he rushed of to melee the nearest cluster of Collectors, throwing a 'so?' back at her as he went.

He was right, Shepard thought. Miranda had advised against releasing Grunt from his tank, and look at the adorable little fucker as he tore through enemies as if they were made from cardboard. A python would probably not be that efficient in battle. They took ages to digest a single meal.

 

“They don't look very dangerous.” Grunt leant closer to the glass with the rock python behind it.

Shepard had almost forgotten about it. Kaidan had shown up on Horizon. Good because it meant the Collectors hadn't gotten him. Bad because things had not gone well. Not at all.

But he of all people should know better. If she was working with Cerberus it was because she had no alternatives. Would the Alliance even allow her back without a background check that would take until the next cycle? It was an ethically questionable alliance, no doubt. But didn't the goal justify the means? Just this once?

Grunt had not forgotten, though. And since their next mission took them to Ilium and since they did have an intergalactic zoo and since he had asked. She looked at the coiled serpent. It was patterned beautifully, darker than usual for African rock pythons. Still there were bright lines running through the pattern, highlighting the dark around them before fading into the bright underside.

“They are not hunting down their prey,” Shepard explained. “They hide and wait until it comes by.”

“That's not very efficient,” Grunt replied.

“It's enough to stay alive, obviously.” She sighed. “Younger snakes even climb trees. Isn't it beautiful?”

Grunt kept his eyes on the snake. Finally he shrugged. “It would be easy to kill. It's not a worthy enemy.”

“It's not supposed to be an enemy,” Shepard said. “It's supposed to be a pet. I'd feed it antelopes or something.”

“There are always pyjaks to spare on Tuchanka.”

Shepard sighed again. “I don't even know how to smuggle one into my cabin. Miranda would notice if I flushed my fish.”

“Send her on a mission. You are the battlemaster.” Grunt shoved her playfully.

Shepard held on to the rail before the glass with both hands. When she had regained her balance she shook her head. “Let's go to the rhinos.”

“Yes.” Grunt didn't add the 'finally' that was audible in his tone.

He had been very disappointed that nobody had deemed it necessary to clone dinosaurs back to life. And none of earth's predators could compete to a Thresher Maw. But this zoo was intergalactic. There might be some other predators around that piqued his interest more.

 

“No, you can't come.” Shepard put her foot down. “It is a stealth mission.”

“Nobody I ever snuck up on has ever reported it,” Grunt replied, indicating sudden death as the cause for that. “And there is nothing better for your cover than all eyes on the krogan.”

“I said no.”

“Is it because of Ilium?”

It might just. Shepard had promised not to hold it against him, but. What had she expected? All that seeing huge, dangerous animals made was make him want to fight them. And how did you stop 357 pounds of excited krogan? Nobody in the zoo had known. The Illusive Man had not been amused. Reparations were coming from personal funds. If you could call them that.

“It was not a blood rage,” she finally said.

“They are still alive,” grunt defended himself.

“Dead might have been cheaper,” Shepard sighed. “Have you seen the vet bills?”

“You keep forwarding strange messages,” he said. “I delete them.”

What had she expected? Shepard rubbed her temple. “We are going to watch from a distance how Miranda is relocating her sister. We want to stay undetected and everybody watching a krogan is not part of the plan.”

“The plan sucks if there’s no krogan in it.” Grunt managed to pout.

“It's a good thing then, that you don't have to participate.” She was about to tell him to behave, but that was more likely to backfire than work. “I'll check with you when I'm back.”

“He he he.”

Maybe that parting laugh should have made her suspicious. But Shepard had more pressing concerns. Time was running out. Once she had Miranda's sister out of the way, she still had more team members to recruit. Luckily two of were also currently on Ilium.

Shepard was wondering whether to look for the Justicar since they were already here or go right to get Tali, when the smell hit her. Something was definitely on fire. If it was the Normandy- she discarded the thought immediately. That would have drawn more attention. But the only noise there was, was a low murmur of voices.

“Shepard, you are late!” Grunt greeted her. Somebody had considered it funny to give him an apron that said 'grillmaster.' He was way too happy. This state usually meant something was about to die, had just died or went up in flames.

It turned out to be worse. Though a barbecue wasn't in itself a bad thing. Holding it in front of the Normandy's main airlock was somewhat questionable. Not that Shepard could think of any place inside the ship she would allow open fire.

“What is going on here?” Miranda wanted to know.

“It's called a barbecue. Not that I expect you to understand.” Jack pointed her finger around a bottle of beer. “If it's not a garden party, you probably never stooped.”

“Jack,” Shepard hoped to quell that conflict before it erupted.

“For now,” Jack tossed her head back. “She's not worth ruining the party for.”

“I wonder whose idea this was,” Miranda looked around.

Grunt had returned to the grill, turning over what looked like fish with an all too maniac grin. Mordin was keeping him company with what sounded like a lecture on human social bonding behaviour. Jack had retreated to drinking with Zaeed and Dr Chakwas. Jacob was entertaining Kasumi, or the other way round with Joker and EDI listening in.

Then Kelly Chambers came out of the airlock, followed by Donnelly and Daniels, each carrying a bowl of some kind of salad. This was serious.

“I have no idea,” Shepard said. “But I intend to find out.”

She walked up to Jacob, hoping to get some answers only to find out that it had been Grunts idea. Everybody thought it was a good one, seeing how they would be docked a little longer. And really, there was no harm done, was there? She should try the fish, it was really good. Mess Sergeant Gardner had prepared a special marinade.

Shepard exchanged glances with Miranda. It was too late to do something now. And Garrus was on his way to scrounge up some dextro food to put on the grill already. It was possible that men were indeed thinking with their stomachs.

Miranda shrugged.

And that was that. Still, if there was a get-together, Shepard would attend at least clean. Watching the relocation from a distance had not worked out as well as planned. Why did it always end with shooting? Why were there so many people keen on dying by her hand? It was a mystery. And while she was up in her cabin-

Shepard stopped in the door. It tired to close twice before she finally got a grip and entered her room. Her fish were all dead. The image of Grunt turning a fish over on the grill came unbidden. The tank was empty. No, that was not quite right. There was no water in it any longer. Instead it looked like somebody with no real grasp of earth had tried to rebuild a savannah.

And curled up in one corner was an African rock python. Or rather _the_ African rock python. The pattern she had seen in the zoo had been distinct. Shepard sighed. She turned to shower. When she had finished, the rock python was still there. She checked her messages and calls. No enraged zoo manager was among them.

 

Leaning against the glass, she watched the snake do absolutely nothing. Who knew. This might just work out. She just had to keep Betsy a secret until they left Ilium. She couldn't give the poor thing away. All that moving around had to be stressful. Shepard tapped the glass gently. Betsy did not deign to react.

With some effort, Shepard pulled herself away from the snake. There was a barbecue to attend. Maybe she could claim to be allergic to fish...


End file.
